Dating HowTos

Why Expectations are Not Necessary in Your Relationship

The Myth of Trust

Trust is the emotional backbone of every meaningful relationship. Trust is the surname of love.

Yelling couple

 The “Scientific American” describes the development of trust as an essential social tool, allowing people to form productive and meaningful relationships, both at a professional and personal level. This statement stands as a beacon when issues relating to trust between a couple is brought up.

How do we apply the above conclusively?

Something about myths is that it is normally started up as a rumour (a very coy way to say ‘a lie’ – more about a lie can be read here). In any case, an unstifled rumour becomes the full blown ‘truth’ believed and assumed by all and sundry. Some myths are borne out of cultural inclinations, others from personal ideologies, and still others from peer pressures, believe it or not; There is an uneasy feeling when you discover you are the only one who has reservation about something, or who challenges the prospects of ‘a thing’.

However, how do we modulate a pointer that forms a bearing betwixt what myth is and what truth is when the subject of TRUST comes into play.

#1 Myth: Trust has Evidence

For reasons you will get to see later on, you will agree with me that nothing bares more inherent lies than this. Really? Nothing confounds me more when I come across such ‘beliefs’. This may break some hearts, but you must open up your mind to challenge ‘popular opinions’.

I have personally seen relationships fail because of this myth. There is nothing more ridiculous than hearing, especially from Christian circles that “God so loved the world that he gave…”. It is akin to saying, “I so love this mango that I ate it”, and coming around to emphasise the fact that I ‘ate’ the mango! Do you get the point? In philosophy, this notion is known as self-evidence.

Self-evidence means that a thing does not need to be demonstrated or explained. It is evident in itself. The love of God will not be demeaned if he had not given his only begotten son. There is no need of proof required to verify God’s love. That is reality.

A memorable illustration comes to mind. Daniel and the three children were about to be cast into the lake of fire, you know what their conclusion was? “The God whom we serve will deliver us….errm, but even IF HE DOESNT”….wow. They understood the principle of ‘self-evidence’.

I see young folks straying from the old rules set by the fathers on relationships, saying things like, “how could he take me to a restaurant without paying for my bills?”. Sad. Trust goes beyond that. Love goes beyond that.

First rule: EVIDENCE is not the evidence of Love.

#2 Myth: Someone deserves your trust

It has almost become a cliche: “After all I have done for her!” or “After everything I have sacrificed for him!”. O really? Excuse me sir, no one deserves your trust. You know why? Your learning and observations form your ideologies, your ideologies form your beliefs and your beliefs influence your attitude.

A “you-owe-me” attitude is borne out of very poor learning and observation. It is a foundational problem. It must be treated from the roots.

But guess what?

It has become the rule, the ‘truth’, the cliche. Dear friend no one ‘deserves’ you. That’s my honest thinking. Why? That feeling of ‘deservance’ puts unwarranted expectations on your partner, which may not churn out well in the long run.

So why are expectations not necessary?

I remember a very good friend of mine confiding in me. She told me a scenario where she interacted with some young ladies – in a youth club, where she carried out some volunteer activities.

She was asked, “Hey madam, do you have someone?”, to which she replied, “yes, I do”. She was further queried, “what happens if he leaves you?”. The answer came in that instant, “I don’t think about that, just like I don’t think of ‘what will happen’ if I lose my parents. There are some things you don’t spend your free time perusing about”. That caught me, there and then. That is rare. In the nearest future, I will release the identity of this person. Haha. It is personal.

  1. Expectations are not necessary in relationships because it makes love a factor of evidence.                                            

  2. Expectations are unnecessary because you may end up making unfair assumptions about your partner.

Romantic and enthusiastic relationships are not about looking for trust, they are about blanking your minds from every untoward or negative thought about the future and making the present memorable.

Keep Glowing. Share Forward.


About the author

Johnmark Obiefuna

A Computer Scientist by profession and a writer by hobby. A liberal, ardent reader and observer of philosophical and religious views. I play the keyboard proficiently, give public talks and I'm also involved in a chess club.

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