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The Book of Romance chapter INTIMACY

relaxing romantic couple *romance

It is rather straightforward. In reality, the more you have something, the more you really don’t have the desire to have more of it. This is what Economics refers to as the law of diminishing returns (sorry for introducing a ‘boring’ concept for those who hate Economics). For example, no matter how you someone loves DRINKING ALCOHOL, one of these ‘days‘ you will probably get tired of those bottles of alcohols and look for solace in a deep disquieted sleep.

For starters, the topic of romance has been heavily bastardized to the extent that even the suggestion of anything romantic arouses uneasy, uncomfortable feelings. However, romance between couples is a very indispensable part of togetherness, oneness, if you may. Stories abound of couples who, for some reason or the other, graded their relationships using the metric of curves and shapes  (figure 8 features) as the basis of their compatibility. While these metrics may give some thrill at the beginning, what happens AFTER the thrill? I choose to call INTIMACY  the first chapter of the book of romance.

Dr. Henry Brandt, in the Collegiate Challenge magazine, noticed a pattern, when couples come to him, they start up by saying “when we started out, the sex was great, then I started feeling funny about myself, then about my partner, till we broke up”. This pattern – this syndrome is the de facto rule for most relationships. You meet a very handsome guy, you feel butterfly in your stomach, in fact, it becomes impossible to even think of anything else. He proposes to you, you agree. Takes you out on a couple of dates, sweeps you off your feet, and on and on; then suddenly, you can’t think of anything more – and then the thrill ends. Have you ever seen yourself asking, “how did I even get to meet this guy in the first place?”. That is the after-morning effect. The thrill is gone. You just awoke from a very realistic dream, a dream nonetheless.

Society has come to attach sex with love. Many guys demand sex from ladies, and many ladies give sex in hopes for love. This is the tradition, no two ways about it. But the truth is, sexual relationships does not satisfy us anymore and what we end up with is not what we really wanted in the first place. A probable end result may be a combination of two perverts, who are entirely selfish and self-centered. 

The true romantic life is not a life of instant gratification, it is a process – an enjoyable one at that. 

Intimacy goes beyond the physical

Errm, don’t think too far, this is not an introductory course to metaphysics or witchraft…lol, just a statement of fact. Generally when “intimacy” and “physical” is found on the same line, it resembles a connotation for SEX. 

Marshall Hogge in his book “Your Fear of Love” remarked thus:  “We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love.” He went further to say, “The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain.” It is evident then that intimacy transcends the potential for pain. So we can conclude that, it is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy. 

If you choose to, you may broadly classify intimacy into four parts. These parts will give us idea on how to sustain a long lasting relationship:

READ: How to Know When Someone is More Intelligent than You

  • Cognitive or Intellect-based intimacy: This form of intimacy predisposes both individuals to the sharing of thoughts or ideas. Often intellectually stimulating ideas that exchanged in an open way which in a long run induces some form of intimacy.
  • Experiential or experience-based intimacy: Consider for instance a duet singing in a choir. There may not be a definite communication between them, but their flows and rhymings merge together to suggest a very unique intimacy.

two young singers *unodiscuss

  • Emotional Intimacy: This has a lot to do with empathy. Especially when two individuals can relate very freely with their mutual feelings or the feelings of others. A very strong point of emotional intelligence.
  • Sexual Intimacy: This is the stereotypical definition of intimacy that most people are familiar with. It involves any form of sensual expressions which is mostly sexually related.

Ways to Improve your Intimacy

  1. Communication

It should be obvious to you friend that from the parts listed above, it is noteworthy that some of the factors countering intimacy in your relationship may include communication. Communication, like anything worthwile takes time to develop. This is the first commandment of Intimacy. Some people say, “Well, I communicate a lot”.  It depends on what you communicate about. Most people these days have watered down the importance of self-development and wide readership. Your husband/fiance may love politics or sports, but you sincerely, don’t have any interest in those manly stuff. It should be your priority to get some bit of information on areas that may interest your fiance/husband.

As a man, you are really not interested in petty gossips. It is to be expected. But don’t you think just a little knowledge of what Rita Dominic’s role in a film will go a long way in triggering some intimacy? This is a major nugget:

Cognitive intimacy is the most long lasting intimacy you will ever need in your relationship.

How do you stimulate your cognitive abilities? Read! Wide! Not to pass an exam, but with the aim of not losing the thrill. However, if for instance your partner is not interested in reading stuff, there are ways to introduce that. Explain strange concepts in funny ways. Be creative. You really don’t have any idea about how this form of intimacy is generally overlooked.

2. Be Aware of Your Strengths and Weakness

In the frantic search for love, there is little wonder the length people go through to express what they are not. More often than not, it is always a temptation to tweak your accent a bit, or wear a more shape-accentuating gown to show how ‘sexy’ you are. Or buy that particular bra that will make someone more appreciative of your endowments. That is the easy way out. In truth, doing such stunts will more often than not arouse a thrill – a thrill that will last for a few days or even weeks until the true reality of your ‘shapeliness’ comes to fore. 

This is not a call to wear oversized clothes or talk brashly, civility is extremely important. BUT, every modification of who you are shouldn’t be as a result of your target – to get a man or a woman. Believe me dear friend, it will definitely wear out. Be aware of yourself: your strengths and your weaknesses. Being aware of yourself is the first step of being in someone being appreciative of you.

READ: 5 Sure ways to Deal with Rejection

3. Seek for the Ultimate Intimacy

Do not let anyone deceive you. You, yes you, deserve more. You should probably repeat that every morning. In truth, every of our individual fantasies are frail compared to what God has in store for us. Love and romance are all risks one is never completely sure of…..UNTIL, a bigger hand is in charge. Let that hand control your emotional flights and frights. In God is the complete and ulimate intimacy.

What do you think friend? Is there something I should have added?

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About the author

Johnmark Obiefuna

A Computer Scientist by profession and a writer by hobby. A liberal, ardent reader and observer of philosophical and religious views. I play the keyboard proficiently, give public talks and I'm also involved in a chess club.

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